Crazy Life

Well, lets start with the bad news...On Tuesday, I started spotting. I know that spotting can be normal in the first trimester but I still went to the doctor. They did an ultrasound, and found nothing but an empty sac. A baby never formed. We are so sad, but will survive. I am struggling because my body hasn't realized that I am pregnant (other than the light spotting) so I still feel pregnant...Morning sickness, fatigue all the fun stuff. It is making me crazy. It is one thing to feel awful and know you are getting a baby out of it, but to feel awful for NO reason kinda stinks. Since my body isn't taking care of everything itself, I go in Wednesday for a D&C. This is the 3rd pregnancy I have lost, and we don't know the reason. We will try again soon!

Now onto the good news! We got our house...Well....In a manner of speaking. Since we closed the day before Thanksgiving, we were not able to get a few things done that needed done before we moved in. We did spend Thanksgiving moving the majority of our stuff in, and we will be all in by Monday. I am super duper excited! Beyond, actually. I love my new home, and can't wait to enjoy the morning sun coming in my windows! (Basement apartments lack that!)

I didn't finish my thankful list. I have 2 more that I need to do. I am thankful for all of the love and support I have been shown this last week. I am soo blessed to know the people I do!! I am also thankful for friends inviting me to their house for Thanksgiving! I love Thanksgiving, but with everything going on, I did not feel like doing a dinner! So thank you Ann, for cooking for us and inviting us over! Also thank you to Audra for feeding us on Thanksgiving!

November thankful list 2011 #22

Today, I am thankful for CHRISTMAS MUSIC!! I have been dying to be able to decorate, but it is obviously a waste of time until we move...Yesterday, I started listening to some Christmas music, and it makes me happy!! (My husband was less impressed when he got home from work and heard it!)

Cierra is thankful that her kitty, who has been sick, is still alive and we are able to get some liquid down her.

8 weeks!

Today marks 8 weeks...4 more weeks left of this trimester which, hopefully means only 4 weeks of constant exhaustion and morning sickness! (Have I mentioned how WRONG that name is? It should be called all-day-every-day-knock-you-on-your-rear-best-friends-with-the-toilet sickness...I suppose morning sickness is shorter.) I go in in ONE week for my first ultrasound, and am soo excited and nervous. I haven't had any symptoms of miscarriage..Quite the opposite in fact...But that nagging fear is still there. We are all super excited about the pregnancy, and already talk about how nice it will be to have a newborn in the house again. We are all rooting for a little girl. Even Blayke! There are so many things I am already looking forward to! Breastfeeding, the smell of a new baby, wearing a newborn, sweet baby cuddles...It's gonna be a long 9 months! And Woody is at least as excited as I am! I just hope he isn't disappointed if baby comes out a boy....

Well, here is my 8 week belly shot. I plan on doing them every 2 weeks!

November thankful list 2011 # 20 & 21

Recently, a blogger I like had a 2 year-old daughter pass away. She had a terminal illness that reared its ugly head around 4 months old. Anyway, it has been heartbreaking to read the blog lately. The one they posted of Daddy sleeping with the baby girls bunny on his chest gives me a lump in my throat just to think about it. I am so thankful that my children are healthy and active. Sometimes I take it for granted. But I am oh-so-thankful. Words can't even express it. And not just today or yesterday, but every day. I know how blessed I am to say that so far, my 3 children are healthy and happy. SOO thankful for this one!

I am also thankful for the Temple. I am thankful for the ordinances performed there that enable my family and I to be sealed for eternity. I am thankful for the peace that I am sure it will bring me when I am faced with adversity in the future. SO thankful.

November thankful list 2011 #19

#19 I am thankful for the holidays. Specifically, Christmas. I am thankful for the opportunity to celebrate and teach my children of the birth of our Savior. It is a beautiful time of year. I am thankful that I have my beautiful children and wonderful husband to spend it with and to build traditions with! I can barely wait to get out the decorations this year! I love, love, LOVE this time of year!
Cierra is working with her Daddy today, so I don't have one from her..And when I ask Blayke, his response is always, "NOTHING!" Love 4 year-olds!

November thankful list 2011 #'s 17 & 18

#17: I am thankful for all the people that care about me. I was flooded with birthday wishes yesterday, and it sure does a girl good!
Cierra was thankful for the seasons we have

#18: I am thankful that I finally feel like someone is on our side to get us into the house... Woody got in touch with the title company yesterday, and we aren't the first who have had problems with this specific realtor. She e-mailed the attorney doing the title opinion asking him to hurry it along. She doesn't know if it will do any good, but at least she is trying!!
Cierra is thankful for the holidays.

Frustration

Disclaimer: I blame all negativity on pregnancy hormones...
This has been a frustrating couple of weeks for us. Let me start at the beginning. Our process of buying a home is a bit different than a lot of people. See, we have a person who paid cash, and we are buying it from him. So, the house has been paid for. But...We still aren't moving in....Hmmm. I understand that there are legalities involved, (abstract, title opinion etc.) what I do not understand is why it took a WEEK after the realtor got all of the paper work signed to get the title opinion started. This makes NO sense to me.
Bottom line is, the realtor says we won't be in by Thanksgiving. We are so frustrated. I cried today. I would feel differently if I felt like the realtor was trying. But we have to contact her to get anything done. She doesn't seem to care.
We are so excited to be moving into a home. One of our own. One where we aren't infringing on someone's privacy. One where we have privacy of our own. One where we can do laundry when we want. One where my kids have space. One that actually feels like home.
We are thankful for the apartment we have, but it is not and never has been home.
Please, say a prayer for our family and our landlord's that we will get out of their hair before the holiday. Thank you!

November thankful list 2011 #16

Today, I am sooooooo thankful for B-natal lozenges. They are lozenges that help with morning sickness. I am so glad a couple of people mentioned them. They help soo much!! Now if I could just find a good energy supplement.....

Cierra is thankful for her clothes.

November thankful list 2011 #15

#15: I am thankful for my North Dakota friends. The people I have met and gotten to know here are amazing! They are such wonderful friends and examples. Too many times have one of them gone out of their way to help us in any way they can. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful people!! We love each and everyone of you.

Cierra is thankful for the earth that she has to live on.

November thankful list 2011 #14

I am thankful for all of my siblings. They are so wonderful... I appreciate and love each of them! We always did an awesome job of covering up the naughty stuff we did growing up so that our parents wouldn't know. HEHE!
Cierra is thankful that I feel a little better. (What a sweetheart)

November thankful list 2011 #'s 12 &13

The kids are napping today, so they will catch up tomorrow.

#12: I am thankful for my trials. Every. Last. One. Of. Them. I know that without them, I would not be who or where I am today. I am thankful for every bump that has come in my road, and I know that with my Heavenly Father's help I can get through anything.
#13: I am thankful for my Primary calling. I teach 5 & 6 year-olds, and they are so fun. Such sweet spirits, and I am so glad I get to be some small part of their life. I love my calling, and will gladly stay there forever! =)

November thankful list 2011 #11

The Best on Earth:
A Veteran's Day Tribute
If someone has done military service,
They earn the title "veteran," and more;
They earn our deep respect and admiration;
That they are special no one can ignore.
They sacrificed the comforts we enjoy;
The list is long of all the things they gave.
Our veterans are extraordinary people;
They’re loyal, dedicated, true and brave.
When terror and invasion were real threats,
They showed us they could handle any storm.
We owe our freedoms and our very lives
To our veterans, who served in uniform.
Our veterans should be celebrities;
They’re exceptional; no other group compares.
We’re grateful for the many things they’ve done;
They’re always in our hearts and in our prayers.
We owe our veterans support and friendship;
Let no one ever question what they’re worth.
These men and women served us and our country,
Our veterans--the very best on earth.
By Joanna Fuchs

Today, we are all thankful for the men and women who have so bravely and diligently served this country, and for those who continue to do so! Happy Veteran's day!

Fear in Pregnancy

I have mentioned in the past that I was one of those who thought that miscarriage "just couldn't happen to me". That I was, somehow, immune to this kind of loss. Even if it did happen, I naively thought that it would be no big deal, early miscarriages happen all of the time. I would just try again. Well, it did happen. I felt as though my body failed me and I, in turn, failed as a woman. I survived, and a few months later, there was another big fat positive...Now, if I thought it couldn't happen once, I thought it impossible to happen twice. To me, a mom who had had two successful pregnancies. It did, however, happen.
Why am I talking about this? Because that fear is alive and well today. Miscarriage changed how I view these first months of pregnancy. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I hold my breath in fear that I will see that horrible beginning sign of miscarriage. Everytime I get the smallest pain, I wonder if this is the start of me losing this baby.
This pregnancy is taking its toll, for sure. Morning sickness and fatigue are rendering me pretty much useless. I get the bare minimum done, and nothing more. And I am so thankful. While I don't love how I feel, I am thankful because symptoms were all but nonexistant in the two pregnances I lost. I know this doesn't guarantee anything, but it is oddly comforting to have these familiar symptoms and to feel like crud..

On to better things. On the 28th, we get to hear the heartbeat. I am thrilled. We have decided to let our moms know the gender of the baby IF they make it here fo the 20 week ultrasound. (Sneaky, right?) Otherwise, only one person will know. We don't want to know! We have some names picked, but I have a tendency to change them right around 6 months, so we will see.

November thankful list 2011 #10

Today I am thankful for how wonderfully supportive my husband is. I have lived in sweats, on our couch the past week, and he says nothing about it. Things in our home are definitely not normal, and he is taking that, my hormonal imbalances, my hideous sweats, and my fatigue (We turn on a show, and I am out) in stride. I am so thankful to have him as my eternal partner.
Cierra is thankful to have clean water to drink.
Blayke is thankful for the lights.

November thankful list 2011 #'s 8 & 9

Yesterday was a bad day. I had another headache episode, which leaves my head foggy and a mess. I also had some nasty morning sickness, so I wasn't able to do our list so here is ANOTHER catch up!
Yesterday I was thankful for (and still am) TV. I know this is really sad, but it has saved my life these past few weeks. I am so tired and sick, and it is the most wonderful babysitter. Today I did tell Miss C to enjoy it because here in about 5 weeks, it is gone again! (er response, "5 weeks is a loong time...I am ok with that.")
Cierra was thankful for the idea I had to homeschool. I am sure that it is because right now, we are doing school, but only 3 days a week.
Blayke was thankful for Heavenly Father that made us.
Today I am thankful for Heavenly Father's loving patience with me. I teach 5 year-old primary, and when they get crazy, I sit back, and simply say, "I'll wait." I then fold my arms and sit and wait. It takes maybe 30 seconds for them to get the hint and sit reverently, and we carry on. I kinda picture Heavenly Father doing the same thing. During the times in my life I have veered off course, I imagine him sitting back, saying, "I'll wait." And ya know what, he always does. When I am ready to be where I need to be, we carry on.
Cierra is thankful for all of the food that we have to eat.
Blayke is thankful for his bed.

Baby Merrell #4 Journal

I stink at keeping a journal of any kind. I start, am super gung-ho for a while...and then the inevitable happens..My gung-ho-ness dies out..I have never, even once kept a pregnancy journal of any kind. I am going to attempt to do it this time. I found out I was pregnant on October 25. From what I can figure I am 6 weeks and 1 day as of right now. I instantly gained 5 pounds. I have, to this point not lost it, but have not gained more. I am still able to work out each morning, but I am limited to the bike and strength training. Why? Because standing makes me feel like I may die. Seriously. I feel halfway normal if I am sitting down, but as soon as I stand, my stomach starts turning and I get faint..It is no fun..
Other than the morning sickness, (man, is that name deceiving!) the hardest part for me is that I already have a belly. I know, you probably think I am crazy. I mean my baby is the size of a grain of rice. HOW?! I cannot tell you, other than this is NOT my first rodeo, and apparently, with each child you show a little sooner. The problem is, though, I don't look pregnant so much as just chubby. I guess it is par for the course, and I know there are women who would kill to be as lucky as I am when it comes to conceiving and carrying children.
I am exhausted. All. The. Time. I survive by doing the bare minimum..Wake up, gym, feed kids, sleep, school (3 days a week), feed kids, sleep, light cleaning, sleep, feed family, relax, sleep. My kids are watching TV more right now than they have in 2 years! I feel bad, but I figure, we just gotta make it few a few more weeks!
We are due July 3, 2012, and are hoping for a girl. Not lookin' forward to bein' pregnant in the summer...But it'll all be worth it in the end! =)

November thankful list #'s 6 & 7

#6-I am thankful for the Gospel and for the blessing it has been in my life! Cierra is thankful for Joseph Smith translating the Book of Mormon.

#7-Today I am thankful for technology!! Without it, I surely wouldn't have survived my first year in North Dakota!! Cierra is thankful for her nice, warm bed!

November thankful list #5

Today, I am thankful that I have been able to carry 3 beautiful babies, and bring them into this world. What a blessing that I get pregnant easily, and, for the most part, have few problems carrying them. I have recently become aware of the large amount of people Iknow who struggle with fertility..This has made me infinitely thankful that my struggles have been minimal. I am trying especially hard to remember this right now as I am running to the bathroom for the thousandth time a day, or when the very thought of certain foods sets my gag reflex off, or when all I want to do all day long is sleep....I try to remember how blessed I am, there are women I know who would take all of this and more to be able to be pregnant.
Cierra is thankful for all of her friends.
Blayke is thankful for his movies.

November thankful list 2011 #4

Today I am thankful for homeschooling. I love the freedom it gives me. I love being with my kids and having them all to myself. Right now, I am especially greatful, because I can mold it to fit my schedule. I just figured out how to cut it back to 3 days a week until after Christmas (which is when my first trimester, and hopefully morning sickess, ends). This will put us going further into June, but I will still be done a couple of weeks before my due date, so I am ok with that.
Cierra is thankful to have two cute brothers.
Blayke is thankful for his toys.

November Thankful List 2011 #3

Today, I feel that it is proper to honor my stepdad, Bryan. I am thankful for him and all he did for me and my siblings. He was the closest thing to a dad any of us had, and for that I am thankful. I am also thankful for how much he loves my children.
Cierra is also thankful for "her special Poppa". She is thankful for how much he loves her.
Blayke is thankful for "nothing". Yea, he can be difficult.

November thankful list 2011 #2

Today I am thankful for my Mom. She is such a stong, loving woman. She had a childhood that most people couldn't imagine in their worst nightmares. She worked hard to raise us and give us better than she had. I love her so much. (And so do my kids.)
Cierra is thankful that Heavenly Father provided a home for us.
Blayke is thankful for Heavenly Father.

November's thankful list 2011... #1

It is that time of year again. My favorite time of year..Almost Thanksgiving! YAY! Last year, from the 1st of November until Thanksgiving, Cierra and I posted for things we were thankful for!
This year, I am going to try to include Blayke... We will see how it goes..
For my #1, I am going to start with the blatantly obvious. I am thankful for my family. My husband, children and I have been through lots together, and we just keep on keepin' on! I love these 4 1/4 (yes, I am counting the baby) people more than I could begin to put into words. I am so glad taht they are mine FOREVER!

For Cierra's #1, she says, "My family."

For Blayke's #1, he says, "Jesus Christ and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter -Day Saints."