Well, I am down another 2 pounds, which means I FINALLY broke the 140 mark! YAY!! 139 today!! HOORAY!
I take pictures every 2 weeks, so I can SEE my progress. I strongly recommend this! It is hard to see results just looking in the mirror, but you can DEFINITELY see it if you take the time to do pictures. The coolest part, my 'mommy tummy' (Stretchmarks, and a c-section scar, which, if you don't know totally reshapes your belly) is lookin pretty dang good. I am even seeing evidence of something that is beginning to look like maybe, possibly definition there, and that is super cool, I don't think I have EVER had definition there.....
I have managed to make it to the gym every weekday. I do 45 minutes to an hour of cardio, then when I get home, I do some ab work on my ab ball (15 minutes, while the kids are still snoozin'!) Then at night, I do 30-45 minutes of strength. (strength is my favorite part since Woody has started doing it with me!) It is working well, and while it seems like a lot, (2 hours!) It really isn't! I am also still on Weight Watchers. It is so great. If you don't know, they do your food by a 'points' system. Well, they have recently revamped their program, and I L.O.V.E it!! I also love that it is breastfeeding friendly!
EDITED TO ADD: I don't know what happened, I forgot to post this, I guess...So, here it is!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sheltering my children? Yep! And proud of it!
I have prayed about this post. A lot. Well, not exactly this post, but this subject. Funny thing happens when you up and remove your TV, start homeschooling, and become less "mainstream" than the rest of your family: suddenly, you are subject to more criticism than you could ever imagine!
The biggest thing that I have had to overcome is being offended when someone 'accuses' me of sheltering my kids. It started out irking me oh so bad. To the point when I heard a friend of mine being 'accused' of the same thing, I wanted her to tear the other woman apart. (NOT nice, I know!)
I came to the realization though, that they are NOT insulting me. That I should take it as a compliment. Yes, I am sheltering them. I am protecting them. I am doing everything in my power to ensure that when they are old enough to go out into this sometimes awful world they are armed! Armed with their testimony of the Lord. Armed with self confidence. Armed with a true knowledge of what is right and wrong.
We push so hard for our children to be so independent of us at such a young age, sending them to kindergarten at 5 or 6. Really this is when we should hold them close to us. Keep them from the negative of the outside world. Teach them the Gospel. Let them know there is bad and evil, but not thrust them into it.
Elder Larry R. Lawrence: "What the world really needs is courageous parenting from mothers and fathers who are not afraid to speak up and take a stand!" So here I am, speaking up. Taking a stand. And saying, ok. I am sheltering my children. I am protecting them from the outside world. I feel as though it is my job. My duty to protect these precious spirits that the Lord has entrusted to me!
Now, all of this said, I know, without a doubt in my mind I will not forever be able to shelter them. When the time comes for discussions on sex, drugs, alcohol etc, I will pray, and I know that the Lord will help me know how to handle these topics in a way that is open, honest and frank. I will encourage my children to pray, so that they will know I am speaking the truth. Then it comes to a matter of faith that they will do what they know is right, and a matter of courage when they don't to help them realize the consequences of their actions!!
The next time someone with different views than I on things says that I am sheltering my children, I hope that I have the courage to thank them. If I am sheltering them, at least now, I know I am doing my job. I hope that I can remember this: "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid." (Joshua 1:9)
The biggest thing that I have had to overcome is being offended when someone 'accuses' me of sheltering my kids. It started out irking me oh so bad. To the point when I heard a friend of mine being 'accused' of the same thing, I wanted her to tear the other woman apart. (NOT nice, I know!)
I came to the realization though, that they are NOT insulting me. That I should take it as a compliment. Yes, I am sheltering them. I am protecting them. I am doing everything in my power to ensure that when they are old enough to go out into this sometimes awful world they are armed! Armed with their testimony of the Lord. Armed with self confidence. Armed with a true knowledge of what is right and wrong.
We push so hard for our children to be so independent of us at such a young age, sending them to kindergarten at 5 or 6. Really this is when we should hold them close to us. Keep them from the negative of the outside world. Teach them the Gospel. Let them know there is bad and evil, but not thrust them into it.
Elder Larry R. Lawrence: "What the world really needs is courageous parenting from mothers and fathers who are not afraid to speak up and take a stand!" So here I am, speaking up. Taking a stand. And saying, ok. I am sheltering my children. I am protecting them from the outside world. I feel as though it is my job. My duty to protect these precious spirits that the Lord has entrusted to me!
Now, all of this said, I know, without a doubt in my mind I will not forever be able to shelter them. When the time comes for discussions on sex, drugs, alcohol etc, I will pray, and I know that the Lord will help me know how to handle these topics in a way that is open, honest and frank. I will encourage my children to pray, so that they will know I am speaking the truth. Then it comes to a matter of faith that they will do what they know is right, and a matter of courage when they don't to help them realize the consequences of their actions!!
The next time someone with different views than I on things says that I am sheltering my children, I hope that I have the courage to thank them. If I am sheltering them, at least now, I know I am doing my job. I hope that I can remember this: "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid." (Joshua 1:9)
Week 3
Well, week 3 didn't show any change on the scale for me. It's all good though!! (I confess, I let it get me down at first, but decided HECK NO!) I feel GREAT! I am feeling stronger every day, and far more energetic. I rocked the elliptical at the gym this morning, and am going to continue to rock it every weekday! I am considering signing up for a fit challenge at the gym. It isn't a WEIGHT LOSS challenge. It is based on how much time you spend at the gym. It sounds fun!
I found a quote yesterday that I LOVE!!
"You have only failed when you quit trying.Until then, you are STILL in the act of progression. So, never quit trying, and you will never be a failure!"
That quote is what made me ok with the fact that I didn't lose any weight this last week. I am still trying. And I do NOT want the scale to dictate how I feel about me. I am WORTH making the changes I am making. And not just on the fitness level.
And, as my good friend Ember says, "Every effort will be blessed!"
I found a quote yesterday that I LOVE!!
"You have only failed when you quit trying.Until then, you are STILL in the act of progression. So, never quit trying, and you will never be a failure!"
That quote is what made me ok with the fact that I didn't lose any weight this last week. I am still trying. And I do NOT want the scale to dictate how I feel about me. I am WORTH making the changes I am making. And not just on the fitness level.
And, as my good friend Ember says, "Every effort will be blessed!"
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The world is right again!
So, lately I have been feeling...off...there is no other way to describe it...Just...off.
Well, I figured out today what I was missing. What was 'off' about last week.
See, I didn't start my week out the RIGHT way.
We ended up staying home from Church last week with sick boys.
As soon as I walked into the Church this morning, the world started returning to normal.
And as we went through Sacrament, it just got better.
(The best part was when the Bishop stood in front of the congregation, told us he was going to invite a couple of people to bear their testimonies, and said, "Sister Merrell," "Where is your husband?" HA! Woody had the opportunity to bear his instead! No warning whatsoever it was coming. BTW, it was great. And I needed to hear it.)
I am so glad that I got to be spiritually nourished this week.
I missed Sunday School, because we were meeting with the Bishop.
Sounds like we a+re on track for the Temple in May!
(We thought April, but the Bishop thinks it will take until May.)
Relief Society was fantastic. I love going and getting taught, learning and feeling the Spirit.
Our ward, btw, seemed to double since 2 weeks ago. Can't miss a week otherwise we miss SO much here!!
We have many goals this year. Physical, mental and spiritual. And, headed into February, so far so good! (BABY STEPS!)
I love the Church. I love my ward. I love my family and friends. And I REALLY love feeling 'right' again!
(I also wanted to share my testimony. I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. I know that The Book of Mormon is true, and I love it! I know that Heavenly Father lives, and that Jesus Christ is our Savior and also lives, I know that President Monson is a prophet of God. I know that by following the commandments of the Lord we will be infinitely blessed. I know that my life has been abundantly blessed when I am making the right choices. I am soo greatful for the knowledge that our Father and Savior know us and love us. And, especially right now, I am thankful for the Atonement and for repentance and what it means for my family and I!)
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Television
One weekend last summer, I realized that Woody and I had spent an ENTIRE Saturday watching NCIS. We had not spent one moment with our children, except Konnor, who was an infant, and we didn't really have a choice. That Sunday, we made a choice: in July we got rid of TV. I mean, we still HAVE a television, but it is solely used for watching movies and our LIVING room is no longer CENTERED around it..And neither is our life.
It is funny, what you become desensitized to when you hear it all day every day.
I never knew exactly how inappropriate TV is. I mean, I knew how bad some of it is, but I didn't realize the stuff I had become unaware of. We also usually only listen to Church music. Not always. Sometimes we will turn on a country station, but the kids LOVE the primary song CD's I bought them, so I would rather they listen to that.
Well, recently I have been going to the gym..With going to the gym, part of my little 'bubble' has been popped. The television is on there, and I busted out an MP3 player to work out with. WOW! How I have changed. I find myself skipping songs I used to love because their message or language really bothers me. I find myself bugged by certain commercials. Commercials I would not want my children to see! I am to the point I want to change all of the songs on my MP3 player because they don't make me feel good. And I am going to the gym so that I feel good.
This is all so very bizarre to me. I don't remember ever really having limits on what I could watch. I am pretty sure I was watching rated R movies by 12. Cursing and crude language has never bothered me, and at points in my life have been very big parts of my vocabulary. I never thought most of what I watched or listened to was 'that bad'. (I know, Grey's is an exception. I knew it was bad, and I still loved it. However, I haven't even watched my old episodes on DVD since I got rid of the TV.) Then, I got rid of it all. Now, when I hear it or see it, I realize how blessed I am to have been given the guidance to get rid of the the negative influence of television.
It is funny, what you become desensitized to when you hear it all day every day.
I never knew exactly how inappropriate TV is. I mean, I knew how bad some of it is, but I didn't realize the stuff I had become unaware of. We also usually only listen to Church music. Not always. Sometimes we will turn on a country station, but the kids LOVE the primary song CD's I bought them, so I would rather they listen to that.
Well, recently I have been going to the gym..With going to the gym, part of my little 'bubble' has been popped. The television is on there, and I busted out an MP3 player to work out with. WOW! How I have changed. I find myself skipping songs I used to love because their message or language really bothers me. I find myself bugged by certain commercials. Commercials I would not want my children to see! I am to the point I want to change all of the songs on my MP3 player because they don't make me feel good. And I am going to the gym so that I feel good.
This is all so very bizarre to me. I don't remember ever really having limits on what I could watch. I am pretty sure I was watching rated R movies by 12. Cursing and crude language has never bothered me, and at points in my life have been very big parts of my vocabulary. I never thought most of what I watched or listened to was 'that bad'. (I know, Grey's is an exception. I knew it was bad, and I still loved it. However, I haven't even watched my old episodes on DVD since I got rid of the TV.) Then, I got rid of it all. Now, when I hear it or see it, I realize how blessed I am to have been given the guidance to get rid of the the negative influence of television.
Monday, January 17, 2011
To My Little Sister!
Yavette, You are about to embark on a journey unlike any you have ever encountered! Motherhood!
There is so much that I want to tell you about motherhood. I will share some with you , but the rest, you get to learn along the way!
You are about to learn what it is like to have your heart walking around outside of your body. You are about to learn what all encompassing love and all encompassing fear are..And how you can feel both at the same time...All of the time. How blessed you are!
I could give you advice on how to breastfeed, (I will when the time comes), diapering, teething, fevers, babysitters and so much more, but I will wait til you call me to share my insight!
I will tell you this. I know you are going to be a great mom. I know, because you are already so determined to be. Being a great mom, however, doesn't mean that you are perfect, or that your kids are perfect. It means that you will fall down..BUT you will get back up. It means that you will make mistakes..But, you will learn from them. It means that you will be scared..but you will continue doing being a courageous parent..
The advice I will give you is to cherish your baby. Hold her, smell her, kiss her. Savor every moment. Read to her, sing to her, teach her. Take lots of pictures. It sounds so cliche, but these moments pass so quickly. Before you know it, that swaddled newborn will be crawling, and getting teeth. That cooing baby will become a toddling terror. That toddling terror will become a sassy kid..And so forth. All in what will seem like the blink of an eye. You will look at Brayly when she starts kindergarten, and wonder how she got big so fast.
Never miss the chance to kiss your baby..Even when she is no longer itty bitty! Don't be afraid to hug her and tell you that you love her.
Be silly with her. Bake with her. Color with her.
When you feel yourself getting frustrated because you haven't slept in days, remember, "this too shall pass". When she hits those terrible twos, and is unrolling a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet, remember, it will NOT be like this forever. Before we know it we will long for their childhood. You get 18 short years, (Of course, you will be her mommy forever, but for just18 years, she is all yours) make them count, so that while you are longing for their childhood, you will not regret how you spent it!
Yavette, Motherhood is the greatest blessing we, as women, have. It is trying, hard and scary. But oh so very worth it. Savor it baby sister! There is nothing that compares!! I love you, and I cannot WAIT to meet Baby Brayly!
There is so much that I want to tell you about motherhood. I will share some with you , but the rest, you get to learn along the way!
You are about to learn what it is like to have your heart walking around outside of your body. You are about to learn what all encompassing love and all encompassing fear are..And how you can feel both at the same time...All of the time. How blessed you are!
I could give you advice on how to breastfeed, (I will when the time comes), diapering, teething, fevers, babysitters and so much more, but I will wait til you call me to share my insight!
I will tell you this. I know you are going to be a great mom. I know, because you are already so determined to be. Being a great mom, however, doesn't mean that you are perfect, or that your kids are perfect. It means that you will fall down..BUT you will get back up. It means that you will make mistakes..But, you will learn from them. It means that you will be scared..but you will continue doing being a courageous parent..
The advice I will give you is to cherish your baby. Hold her, smell her, kiss her. Savor every moment. Read to her, sing to her, teach her. Take lots of pictures. It sounds so cliche, but these moments pass so quickly. Before you know it, that swaddled newborn will be crawling, and getting teeth. That cooing baby will become a toddling terror. That toddling terror will become a sassy kid..And so forth. All in what will seem like the blink of an eye. You will look at Brayly when she starts kindergarten, and wonder how she got big so fast.
Never miss the chance to kiss your baby..Even when she is no longer itty bitty! Don't be afraid to hug her and tell you that you love her.
Be silly with her. Bake with her. Color with her.
When you feel yourself getting frustrated because you haven't slept in days, remember, "this too shall pass". When she hits those terrible twos, and is unrolling a whole roll of toilet paper into the toilet, remember, it will NOT be like this forever. Before we know it we will long for their childhood. You get 18 short years, (Of course, you will be her mommy forever, but for just18 years, she is all yours) make them count, so that while you are longing for their childhood, you will not regret how you spent it!
Yavette, Motherhood is the greatest blessing we, as women, have. It is trying, hard and scary. But oh so very worth it. Savor it baby sister! There is nothing that compares!! I love you, and I cannot WAIT to meet Baby Brayly!
Week 2
Well, week 2, still on track! WAHOO! The scale says I am down 9 pounds. But what is better than THAT?! I can SEE and FEEL the difference. I have more energy (FINALLY) and the jeans are gettin' pretty loose!! I love going to the gym, seriously. It is so nice. I hadn't done ANYTHING without at least one of the kids for over a year. I even co-sleep with Konnor, so I am LITERALLY with him 24 hours a day...I must say, the break is fantastic!! Weight Watchers is so nice. I never feel overly hungry (unless, of course, I skip a meal or snack **DUH**!). It is also breastfeeding compatible.
I started out just changing my diet. Last week I added cardio, and this week, I add a light resistance. Woody has put me together a workout that he thinks will be fairly quick and effective, so that is good! We are going to do it together at night. I hope he does it with me, because I like working out with him!
Oh, and can I just tell you how wonderful he is?? He gets up at 5 a.m. every single morning and starts the pick up while I feed the baby so that I don't have to! What a sweetheart! He is so supportive of this, and constantly compliments the changes that are taking place. I love that man!
I started out just changing my diet. Last week I added cardio, and this week, I add a light resistance. Woody has put me together a workout that he thinks will be fairly quick and effective, so that is good! We are going to do it together at night. I hope he does it with me, because I like working out with him!
Oh, and can I just tell you how wonderful he is?? He gets up at 5 a.m. every single morning and starts the pick up while I feed the baby so that I don't have to! What a sweetheart! He is so supportive of this, and constantly compliments the changes that are taking place. I love that man!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
It is happening again!!
I want to start by saying I know that I am **so** blessed. I live in a state with a thriving economy. One where there are more than enough jobs to go around. I know I am where I am supposed to be, and that the Lord has great things in store for North Dakota! (Our ward has probably tripled in size in the last year!) I know all of this..But I am kinda missin' home.
I am sure that part of it is being cooped up, too cold to go anywhere..(Seriously, the weather man said, "If you want a warm vacation, go to Alaska!" It is like anywhere between -15 and -25 here when I leave in the morning...And we aren't hitting double digit highs!) Plus, one of my good friends hasn't come back from Michigan, which is a bummer. (THANK GOODNESS I made 2 friends..) And I miss family. I miss packin' up for the weekend and going to visit them. I am sure the feeling will pass, and I will be spending some time in Idaho at the end of March, and part of the way through April!
On another note, I am on day 4 of making it to the gym..LOVE it..Seriously. It is such a nice break for me! About 9:30 in the morning though, I am SOO tired..Then I get a second wind, until about 7 at night...Then, I am so ready for bed!!
The kids are well. We are well.. Life is mostly good..Which is better than nothin', right?
I am sure that part of it is being cooped up, too cold to go anywhere..(Seriously, the weather man said, "If you want a warm vacation, go to Alaska!" It is like anywhere between -15 and -25 here when I leave in the morning...And we aren't hitting double digit highs!) Plus, one of my good friends hasn't come back from Michigan, which is a bummer. (THANK GOODNESS I made 2 friends..) And I miss family. I miss packin' up for the weekend and going to visit them. I am sure the feeling will pass, and I will be spending some time in Idaho at the end of March, and part of the way through April!
On another note, I am on day 4 of making it to the gym..LOVE it..Seriously. It is such a nice break for me! About 9:30 in the morning though, I am SOO tired..Then I get a second wind, until about 7 at night...Then, I am so ready for bed!!
The kids are well. We are well.. Life is mostly good..Which is better than nothin', right?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Week 1
I am going to post on here once a week, hopefully on Mondays, how I am doing with hitting my weight/fitness goals. My goal is to lose about 20 pounds by April, when we are supposed to go through the Temple. I lost 5 last week, so that puts me 15 pounds from my goal. I am doing Weight Watchers, which I can honestly say that I enjoy, working out at the gym in the morning, which I love, and am thinking about doing light resistance at night with Woody..Nothin' too hardcore..20 minutes of light resistance, 3 nights a week. I am taking pictures so that if the scale doesn't move, I can SEE the progress! (I will spare you and not post those on here!) I feel really good about the eating, and am excited for the boost of energy that I KNOW is to come from working out..(The first week or two always kick my patootie!)
Above all else, this time next year I would like to be able to say, "I can't imagine a time I didn't go to the gym!" I like the break from 'life'. I like the workout. I even enjoy being a little sore afterward.
Above all else, this time next year I would like to be able to say, "I can't imagine a time I didn't go to the gym!" I like the break from 'life'. I like the workout. I even enjoy being a little sore afterward.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Babysteps....Thanks "A"!
I last posted 5 things I wanted to learn in 2011. Well guess what?! I learned HOW to do #5. I learned how NOT to be afraid to try new things. It is all about babysteps! (THANK YOU "A" for introducing me to this amazing concept!) I started with a babystep today. I went to the gym. I know, crazy that I would be afraid to go to the gym...but I have been. Don't ask me to explain it, because I can't. The point is, I was afraid, and last night I decided that I was sick of Satan whispering in my ear (Again, a big thanks to "A", for helping me to realize that it is Satan, not my other personality) that I couldn't do it. That I wasn't strong enough, and that it was too scary. So, I made the commitment, and I stuck to it..Guess what? The gym..Not so scary. Satan was wrong. I could do it. I did do it. And I L.O.V.E.D. it! Goin' back first thing Monday morning, and am excited about it! Going to start Zumba as soon as funds permit me to pay a babysitter twice a week!
We just have to pray, ask Heavenly Father to help us overcome that voice. (I am going to be praying A LOT more, because Satan seems to know that I am much more easily conviced that I can't do something than I am that I can.)
I am hoping that with prayer and BABYSTEPS, I can start letting go of this inadequacy thing I have. That I am unable to do things. That I am not good enough, smart enough, whatever. Cause, I am a child of God...And that alone shows that I am good enough!
(I just needed to end with a really huge "THANK YOU" to "A", she always says that her gift is to see the "invisible" people. I think that it is more. I think she sees potential for greatness in everybody, and she is great at helping them realize that it is there, if we listen to the right "voice" and ignore the wrong "one"! Thank you for being my friend! I think you are amazing!!)
We just have to pray, ask Heavenly Father to help us overcome that voice. (I am going to be praying A LOT more, because Satan seems to know that I am much more easily conviced that I can't do something than I am that I can.)
I am hoping that with prayer and BABYSTEPS, I can start letting go of this inadequacy thing I have. That I am unable to do things. That I am not good enough, smart enough, whatever. Cause, I am a child of God...And that alone shows that I am good enough!
(I just needed to end with a really huge "THANK YOU" to "A", she always says that her gift is to see the "invisible" people. I think that it is more. I think she sees potential for greatness in everybody, and she is great at helping them realize that it is there, if we listen to the right "voice" and ignore the wrong "one"! Thank you for being my friend! I think you are amazing!!)
Friday, January 7, 2011
5 things I want to learn to do this year!
Last year brought a lot of fun changes to our family. This year, there are some things I would love to learn how to do. I don't know if I will have the time, or anyone to teach me, and if I get good at one of these things, I will be happy!
1. Learn to sew. I have a machine, and I can't even thread the thing..**SIGH**
2. Learn how to take nice pictures. I would **KILL** to be able to take a photography class!
3. Learn how to become a better writer. I love reading and writing, always have. Just wish I was better at the latter.
4. Learn how to decorate. Seriously, I lack whatever makes a woman (and some men) creative and crafty. This includes decorating...No idea how to do so.
5. Learn how to overcome insecurities and fear and do new, fun things..This one is a big one for me. I seem to lack any sort of self confidence, and doing new things, even if it is something I really WANT to do, is TERRIFYING TO ME! But, I am not gettin' any younger! Time to get it together and stop being such a sissy all of the time...
Now, I am off, to find something new and exciting to do....after I get dinner out of the oven!
1. Learn to sew. I have a machine, and I can't even thread the thing..**SIGH**
2. Learn how to take nice pictures. I would **KILL** to be able to take a photography class!
3. Learn how to become a better writer. I love reading and writing, always have. Just wish I was better at the latter.
4. Learn how to decorate. Seriously, I lack whatever makes a woman (and some men) creative and crafty. This includes decorating...No idea how to do so.
5. Learn how to overcome insecurities and fear and do new, fun things..This one is a big one for me. I seem to lack any sort of self confidence, and doing new things, even if it is something I really WANT to do, is TERRIFYING TO ME! But, I am not gettin' any younger! Time to get it together and stop being such a sissy all of the time...
Now, I am off, to find something new and exciting to do....after I get dinner out of the oven!
Monday, January 3, 2011
"Disneyland Dad"..He's dying..I don't love him...And the guilt that comes with it...
I have been in a state of emotional turmoil...See, my father is dying. Quickly. Now, before you start telling me how sorry you are, let me explain that while anyone passing is sad, I am not as devastated as most daughters would be if they were in my position.
Now, I am not cold and heartless. My father, as those who know me well know, has been...Well...Less than involved with my life. In fact, I believe he is still paying back child support to my mom. When I was younger, I thought he was like, super cool. Turns out, he is the definition of a Disneyland dad. (Shows up randomly, enough to keep his guilt at bay and make others and himself believe that he is doing all that he can, has a great time, buys presents, gives the kid whatever they want, and disappears again, for however long.) I came to this realization in the seventh grade, when, after living with him and his second wife for a year, he entered yet another downward spiral, and things went terribly wrong.
From the time I was in seventh grade until I was about 23 I was angry and resentful of him. I was mad at him because I lost any chance of the father/daughter relationship I had seen and come to envy. I was mad because he promised over and over to get his life together, and never did. I was furious that at 18, us not seeing each other suddenly became MY fault. I did not visit enough, call enough and I didn't answer his calls.
I came to realize though, that my anger was only hurting me. So,I started the process of forgiving. Now, in this process, I decided that while it was ok for me to forgive, I don't have to put myself out there to get hurt anymore. I don't have to expose my precious children to the lifestyle he leads, so with forgiveness, came distance.
After nearly a year of no contact, I got a call from my grandmother telling me my father was in bad shape, and that I needed to call him. So I did. Turns out, he has maybe 3 months left, and would like to see the kids, if possible. So started the turmoil. I am no longer angry with him. But there is no bond either. I don't love him. I am frustrated that I don't. I even feel guilty that I don't. And while I may not be devastated by his death, I am by the fact that I don't LOVE my father.
However, despite these feelings, (or lack thereof) part of me feels that I should go back. On Sunday, he called, and he sounded bad. And, I admit, I shed a tear, (I am not heartless) but I was able to quickly go on about my life. Woody, however, said something that has been on my mind. "Whether it is now, or in the next life, I strongly feel that you going back and seeing him before he dies, will make all of the difference." How do I argue with that? So, I am going back. I am dreading it, as I don't fake emotion well, and I am sure that I will cause hard feelings because I am not heartbroken, because I am not devastated, and because I will not pretend to be. I will tell him I forgive him. I will let him see the kids. And, if it needs to happen, I will cry. I doubt though, that the crying will be for losing him, but for the fact that I never had him and now, because of his life choices, I never would.. That I never really had a DAD. Sad, right??
Now, I am not cold and heartless. My father, as those who know me well know, has been...Well...Less than involved with my life. In fact, I believe he is still paying back child support to my mom. When I was younger, I thought he was like, super cool. Turns out, he is the definition of a Disneyland dad. (Shows up randomly, enough to keep his guilt at bay and make others and himself believe that he is doing all that he can, has a great time, buys presents, gives the kid whatever they want, and disappears again, for however long.) I came to this realization in the seventh grade, when, after living with him and his second wife for a year, he entered yet another downward spiral, and things went terribly wrong.
From the time I was in seventh grade until I was about 23 I was angry and resentful of him. I was mad at him because I lost any chance of the father/daughter relationship I had seen and come to envy. I was mad because he promised over and over to get his life together, and never did. I was furious that at 18, us not seeing each other suddenly became MY fault. I did not visit enough, call enough and I didn't answer his calls.
I came to realize though, that my anger was only hurting me. So,I started the process of forgiving. Now, in this process, I decided that while it was ok for me to forgive, I don't have to put myself out there to get hurt anymore. I don't have to expose my precious children to the lifestyle he leads, so with forgiveness, came distance.
After nearly a year of no contact, I got a call from my grandmother telling me my father was in bad shape, and that I needed to call him. So I did. Turns out, he has maybe 3 months left, and would like to see the kids, if possible. So started the turmoil. I am no longer angry with him. But there is no bond either. I don't love him. I am frustrated that I don't. I even feel guilty that I don't. And while I may not be devastated by his death, I am by the fact that I don't LOVE my father.
However, despite these feelings, (or lack thereof) part of me feels that I should go back. On Sunday, he called, and he sounded bad. And, I admit, I shed a tear, (I am not heartless) but I was able to quickly go on about my life. Woody, however, said something that has been on my mind. "Whether it is now, or in the next life, I strongly feel that you going back and seeing him before he dies, will make all of the difference." How do I argue with that? So, I am going back. I am dreading it, as I don't fake emotion well, and I am sure that I will cause hard feelings because I am not heartbroken, because I am not devastated, and because I will not pretend to be. I will tell him I forgive him. I will let him see the kids. And, if it needs to happen, I will cry. I doubt though, that the crying will be for losing him, but for the fact that I never had him and now, because of his life choices, I never would.. That I never really had a DAD. Sad, right??
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