Fear in Pregnancy

I have mentioned in the past that I was one of those who thought that miscarriage "just couldn't happen to me". That I was, somehow, immune to this kind of loss. Even if it did happen, I naively thought that it would be no big deal, early miscarriages happen all of the time. I would just try again. Well, it did happen. I felt as though my body failed me and I, in turn, failed as a woman. I survived, and a few months later, there was another big fat positive...Now, if I thought it couldn't happen once, I thought it impossible to happen twice. To me, a mom who had had two successful pregnancies. It did, however, happen.
Why am I talking about this? Because that fear is alive and well today. Miscarriage changed how I view these first months of pregnancy. Everytime I go to the bathroom, I hold my breath in fear that I will see that horrible beginning sign of miscarriage. Everytime I get the smallest pain, I wonder if this is the start of me losing this baby.
This pregnancy is taking its toll, for sure. Morning sickness and fatigue are rendering me pretty much useless. I get the bare minimum done, and nothing more. And I am so thankful. While I don't love how I feel, I am thankful because symptoms were all but nonexistant in the two pregnances I lost. I know this doesn't guarantee anything, but it is oddly comforting to have these familiar symptoms and to feel like crud..

On to better things. On the 28th, we get to hear the heartbeat. I am thrilled. We have decided to let our moms know the gender of the baby IF they make it here fo the 20 week ultrasound. (Sneaky, right?) Otherwise, only one person will know. We don't want to know! We have some names picked, but I have a tendency to change them right around 6 months, so we will see.