I have been in a state of emotional turmoil...See, my father is dying. Quickly. Now, before you start telling me how sorry you are, let me explain that while anyone passing is sad, I am not as devastated as most daughters would be if they were in my position.
Now, I am not cold and heartless. My father, as those who know me well know, has been...Well...Less than involved with my life. In fact, I believe he is still paying back child support to my mom. When I was younger, I thought he was like, super cool. Turns out, he is the definition of a Disneyland dad. (Shows up randomly, enough to keep his guilt at bay and make others and himself believe that he is doing all that he can, has a great time, buys presents, gives the kid whatever they want, and disappears again, for however long.) I came to this realization in the seventh grade, when, after living with him and his second wife for a year, he entered yet another downward spiral, and things went terribly wrong.
From the time I was in seventh grade until I was about 23 I was angry and resentful of him. I was mad at him because I lost any chance of the father/daughter relationship I had seen and come to envy. I was mad because he promised over and over to get his life together, and never did. I was furious that at 18, us not seeing each other suddenly became MY fault. I did not visit enough, call enough and I didn't answer his calls.
I came to realize though, that my anger was only hurting me. So,I started the process of forgiving. Now, in this process, I decided that while it was ok for me to forgive, I don't have to put myself out there to get hurt anymore. I don't have to expose my precious children to the lifestyle he leads, so with forgiveness, came distance.
After nearly a year of no contact, I got a call from my grandmother telling me my father was in bad shape, and that I needed to call him. So I did. Turns out, he has maybe 3 months left, and would like to see the kids, if possible. So started the turmoil. I am no longer angry with him. But there is no bond either. I don't love him. I am frustrated that I don't. I even feel guilty that I don't. And while I may not be devastated by his death, I am by the fact that I don't LOVE my father.
However, despite these feelings, (or lack thereof) part of me feels that I should go back. On Sunday, he called, and he sounded bad. And, I admit, I shed a tear, (I am not heartless) but I was able to quickly go on about my life. Woody, however, said something that has been on my mind. "Whether it is now, or in the next life, I strongly feel that you going back and seeing him before he dies, will make all of the difference." How do I argue with that? So, I am going back. I am dreading it, as I don't fake emotion well, and I am sure that I will cause hard feelings because I am not heartbroken, because I am not devastated, and because I will not pretend to be. I will tell him I forgive him. I will let him see the kids. And, if it needs to happen, I will cry. I doubt though, that the crying will be for losing him, but for the fact that I never had him and now, because of his life choices, I never would.. That I never really had a DAD. Sad, right??
Your husband sounds very wise. That sure doesn't make going back any easier for you though. I admire your strength Nancy; just to get to the point of forgiveness requires alot. Wish I could give you a hug!
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