Unrealistic expectations.

I grew up in a home that didn't have the best example of what a healthy marriage looks like. (Lets be honest here, I grew up in a home that was an example of a marriage I would never want. No offense to my Mom or Bryan. I am thankful for all that they did to me, but really.) There was always tension, constant fighting (a lot about me, I think. No, I am not being narcissistic, but I know that I caused some heartache, not all my fault.) and infidelity. (I wont go in any further, because that is not MY personal territory to get into, but I feel needs mentioned so that you can understand the gravity of my very unrealistic expectations of my husband and of marriage.) Anyway, I see this marriage crumbling, but both people staying. Why? I am not sure. But they did, for quite a few years. There were complaints of unhappiness. I could never understand, "Why would anyone stay when they are not happy." At that moment, I made a couple of promises to myself. #1. I would never, EVER cheat on someone I was with. Now this is a VERY realistic promise that I have been able to keep. #2. That I would never stay with someone I was not completely happy with all of the time. Enter: Unrealistic expectations.
I got married the first time at 18. YEP, 18!! I had my unrealistic expectations, and the naivety of youth working against me, and while not entirely my fault, I own my mistakes, and made many, and a year and a half later, was a 19 year-old pregnant divorced young lady.
A few years later, I married my husband now. I had a few years age and lots of dating experience under my belt and the constant failure seemed to feed my expectations. Now not only did I expect to be happy all of the time, I figured that if I wasn't making my partner happy all of the time, they would bail. (did I mention I grew up pretty much without a dad? my step dad and I never got along, and never bonded and my father was...well...absent...) That is what always happened. I didn't do enough to make the other person constantly happy, so they left. (It couldn't POSSIBLY be that we just weren't compatible, or that it just wasn't my time to find someone. *note the sarcasm.) So, at the point I got remarried, I not only had these expectations of my partner, I had them of myself. Wow. I can see, as I am typing this out why I spent a year separated from my husband.
I figured if I wasn't happy every day, that if everything wasn't perfect, either my husband or I were doing something very wrong. This fed insecurities on both parts. We fought. Constantly. He never felt he was doing enough, because every single little thing that didn't MAKE ME HAPPY, I had to analyze to death. I had to figure out what I was doing wrong to make him do something to make me unhappy.
I never for a second thought that it was ok to not be completely happy all of the time. It never even once crossed my mind that it might be ok for there to be rough spots. I never thought for a second that I was, with my expectations, DRIVING my husband away. (No, I don't fault myself completely, but I do own my mistakes.) I never thought of our marriage as 'normal'. I figured we must argue more and have far more problems than any other couple. In my head, our marriage was doomed. I didn't try to be positive. I nagged. I bickered. I rarely apologized. I fed my own insecurities. Instead of trying to do things that were important to my husband, I rebelled against them. Instead of encouraging, praising and loving my husband, I berated, belittled and resented my husband. All because I had this idea that if I wasn't happy every single second of marriage, one or both of us were failing.
2 years this went on. My unrealistic expectations and my insecurities fed into other problems. Many problems. We separated. It was the hardest year of my life. I made mistakes. SO many mistakes. But now, here we are a year and some change into our reconciliation, and I am just now discovering that I have a somewhat skewed vision of marriage. I have a set of unrealistic expectations for each my husband and I, and I need to toss them out the window. Yes, we should both be trying to make each other happy. We should be loving, kind and caring. But really, if my husband leaves a wrapper on the counter, does it mean our marriage is failing or he must not love me because he doesn't care if he leaves a mess for me? No. Probably not. Am I the only one who made mistakes before? Definitely not.
So here it is, my 'elliptical epiphany' of the week. I am going to work hard to lower my expectations a bit. (NOTICE: I said expectations not standards.) Give my husband the love, encouragement and praise he deserves, because he has changed far more than I have. He has tried much harder than I have to make it work this go around. Now it's my turn.