In life, we often think of the "big losses". The people that, if we were to lose them, it would be devastating. Typically, when we think of these losses, we think of our kids, our spouses and our parents. I know for me, losing a sibling rarely even crossed my mind. And if it did, it never fell under the "big loss" category. 

Why? I mean, these are the people we grew up with. At this point in my life, I have known and lived with my siblings longer than I have either my husband or children. I played with these people, I fought with these people, I shared rooms with a couple of them. We built forts. We commiserated when our parents were "unfair". We watched movies. As adults, we talk on the phone, we reminisce, we commiserate when our children are "unfair". Sometimes, we even still fight. But losing one of them? Not even a thought in my mind. Maybe because I took the idea that they would always be here for granted. I mean, they have been here for as long as I can remember. I never expected this to change.

But it did.

I lost my sister.

The girl who was born 3 days before my second birthday. The girl who I can't remember my life without. The girl who used to lay on the bottom

 

Bunk of our bunkbed and pull my hair til I woke up. The girl whose stuff I threw out our bedroom window during a fight. The girl who I had just become closer to as an adult in the last 2 years.

She is gone.

Dead.

Murdered.

She will never again call me asking for advice on child rearing. We will never again fight over a shower. We will never be pregnant together again.

Let me tell you something.

It is a "big loss".

It is devastating.

I. Am. Heartbroken. 

I miss her every single day.

I still (3 months later) cry every single night. 

The coulda/woulda/shoulda list is long. I pray she knows how much I love her. I pray she knows how much I miss her. And I look forward to the day we meet again. 

Losing a sibling is more heartwrenchingly painful than I could have ever explained. So if you have a sibling you haven't spoken to for a while, call them. If you have a sibling who has done you wrong, forgive them. Love them with all you have. Trust me, you won't regret it. I promise.