A strange thing has been happening in my life. Something I have never experienced before, and something I struggled with.  See, 8 weeks ago, exactly, my whole world changed. Seriously. My sister was brutally murdered, leaving behind 2 sweet girls. We made a mad dash to Idaho, where all 4 kids and I have been living out of bags in 1 bedroom since. We decided to move to Idaho so I could help and be involved with the girls as much as possible. With all the change, my anxiety is sky high, so we have decided to lessen the load, and send the kids to public school next year (not a decision we made lightly, and quite frankly, while it may lessen the physical load, it may do the opposite for the emotional load.). In all of this, I seem to have lost friendships. 

For a while, my phone, Facebook, Woody's phone, everything blew up with love, support and condolences. Now, there are few who will text back to a simple "how are you?". At first, my feelings were hurt. Then, I prayed about it. The conclusion that I was brought to is that people are more than likely uncomfortable. 

They don't know what to say. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to deal with a murder. Who does? I don't. My Mom doesn't. And we are living it. 

So, here is the deal. There is nothing you can say. Nothing will make me feel better. I know you are sorry. So am I. Sorry that she is gone. Sorry that my 2 nieces don't have their parents. Sorry that some coward took them.  If you ask how I am doing, I will likely say "fine". It sounds much better than "like my heart is being ripped out" or "like I want to find whoever did this and reach them a thing or two." (That, by the way, is a very G-rated version of how I feel about who did this.) talk about uncomfortable. You likely can't say, "I know how you feel." Cause even if you genuinely do, because a close family member of yours was also a victim of murder, grief had me convinced otherwise. (Narcissistic much?) 

So, I began to understand why my phone is quiet. Why friends seem to avoid me. Sometimes I wish I could avoid me. My thoughts center around 2 things: my family and murder. What a downer. (Not thinking about family, but the other.)

Here is the thing though, I need you guys. I need you to talk to me about things. If you cannot handle talking about my sister, I get and respect that. Text me about how they changed the lime Skittle for green apple (which I am not happy about!) Text me about you. Your kids, your life.... I need people. I need conversation. I especially need people who can talk to me about other things. (Friends who I have talked to recently about this, I need you also. I do need those who are not uncomfortable talking to me about it.)