The Move

Well, as I speak....Uhm... Type... We are sitting in a hotel room in Billings Montana.  It took us about a week of halfhearted packing to get it done. And man, my kids have a lot of crap. Well, had. I purged. I purged like I have never purged before! We took 3 trailers of clothes, toys and other items to the Thrift store. I was absolutely astounded at the amount of toys we had!

When I cleaned Cierras room, I came to a realization.. My daughter is a pack rat! I cleaned out 1 bag, 1 box and another half of a bag of trash. Papers mostly. HOW does that happen?! 

I am hoping in ND I am better able to stay on top of things. I have just felt  so ocerwhelmed with Woody gone weeks and weeks at a time. I am, admittedly, a baby. I don't like my husband being gone!

I never thought I would be excited to move back to ND, but I am! So much. It was so nice not to be on countdown while Woody was home. 

How does it happen that months pass without me being on here? 

I am hoping to remedy that. I have made a challenge to myself. 

One of my New Years resolutions is to blog once a month, at least.

2013 is drawing to a close. It had been a crazy, exhausting year, and I am ending it in my least favorite way possible... 

MOVING. 

Back to ND. Back to my husband. 

I miss him so much, and the only way to get past some of the less pleasant parts of life is to be with him. He is my rock. 

The kids are doing well. Cierra is amazing. She loves school, and is excelling. She got straight A's on her report card, and her teacher had nothing but nice things to say about her!

Blayke is so funny. He is also doing very well in school, and his teacher loves him. Both teachers are sad to see them going.

Konnor is growing up fast, and misses his bubba when he is at school.

Adalyn is getting huge! She has 2 teeth, signs milk, claps her hands, and is just getting so big! 

It is late, so I am going to keep this short, but I plan on keeping this up to date much better from now on! 

In life, we often think of the "big losses". The people that, if we were to lose them, it would be devastating. Typically, when we think of these losses, we think of our kids, our spouses and our parents. I know for me, losing a sibling rarely even crossed my mind. And if it did, it never fell under the "big loss" category. 

Why? I mean, these are the people we grew up with. At this point in my life, I have known and lived with my siblings longer than I have either my husband or children. I played with these people, I fought with these people, I shared rooms with a couple of them. We built forts. We commiserated when our parents were "unfair". We watched movies. As adults, we talk on the phone, we reminisce, we commiserate when our children are "unfair". Sometimes, we even still fight. But losing one of them? Not even a thought in my mind. Maybe because I took the idea that they would always be here for granted. I mean, they have been here for as long as I can remember. I never expected this to change.

But it did.

I lost my sister.

The girl who was born 3 days before my second birthday. The girl who I can't remember my life without. The girl who used to lay on the bottom

 

Bunk of our bunkbed and pull my hair til I woke up. The girl whose stuff I threw out our bedroom window during a fight. The girl who I had just become closer to as an adult in the last 2 years.

She is gone.

Dead.

Murdered.

She will never again call me asking for advice on child rearing. We will never again fight over a shower. We will never be pregnant together again.

Let me tell you something.

It is a "big loss".

It is devastating.

I. Am. Heartbroken. 

I miss her every single day.

I still (3 months later) cry every single night. 

The coulda/woulda/shoulda list is long. I pray she knows how much I love her. I pray she knows how much I miss her. And I look forward to the day we meet again. 

Losing a sibling is more heartwrenchingly painful than I could have ever explained. So if you have a sibling you haven't spoken to for a while, call them. If you have a sibling who has done you wrong, forgive them. Love them with all you have. Trust me, you won't regret it. I promise. 

A strange thing has been happening in my life. Something I have never experienced before, and something I struggled with.  See, 8 weeks ago, exactly, my whole world changed. Seriously. My sister was brutally murdered, leaving behind 2 sweet girls. We made a mad dash to Idaho, where all 4 kids and I have been living out of bags in 1 bedroom since. We decided to move to Idaho so I could help and be involved with the girls as much as possible. With all the change, my anxiety is sky high, so we have decided to lessen the load, and send the kids to public school next year (not a decision we made lightly, and quite frankly, while it may lessen the physical load, it may do the opposite for the emotional load.). In all of this, I seem to have lost friendships. 

For a while, my phone, Facebook, Woody's phone, everything blew up with love, support and condolences. Now, there are few who will text back to a simple "how are you?". At first, my feelings were hurt. Then, I prayed about it. The conclusion that I was brought to is that people are more than likely uncomfortable. 

They don't know what to say. They don't know what to do. They don't know how to deal with a murder. Who does? I don't. My Mom doesn't. And we are living it. 

So, here is the deal. There is nothing you can say. Nothing will make me feel better. I know you are sorry. So am I. Sorry that she is gone. Sorry that my 2 nieces don't have their parents. Sorry that some coward took them.  If you ask how I am doing, I will likely say "fine". It sounds much better than "like my heart is being ripped out" or "like I want to find whoever did this and reach them a thing or two." (That, by the way, is a very G-rated version of how I feel about who did this.) talk about uncomfortable. You likely can't say, "I know how you feel." Cause even if you genuinely do, because a close family member of yours was also a victim of murder, grief had me convinced otherwise. (Narcissistic much?) 

So, I began to understand why my phone is quiet. Why friends seem to avoid me. Sometimes I wish I could avoid me. My thoughts center around 2 things: my family and murder. What a downer. (Not thinking about family, but the other.)

Here is the thing though, I need you guys. I need you to talk to me about things. If you cannot handle talking about my sister, I get and respect that. Text me about how they changed the lime Skittle for green apple (which I am not happy about!) Text me about you. Your kids, your life.... I need people. I need conversation. I especially need people who can talk to me about other things. (Friends who I have talked to recently about this, I need you also. I do need those who are not uncomfortable talking to me about it.) 

Just some pics

All the kids

Addys blessing 

My 4 kids

Havyn

I bought these for the girls while Yavette and I were pregnant

Braylu

The New Normal and a Quick Update

1 month and 8 days ago, life got turned upside down and shaken up. I have spent the last month in a daze, desperately trying to feel "normal" again. Today, it HIT me...  this IS the NEW normal. (no, not living at my Mom's, that is coming to an end very soon.) This ache I have, this feeling of loss.. I will have it for now and forever. It wont fade or go away, as some might suggest. I will just learn to live with it. It will become part of who I am. I am a person who lost a dear loved one. I am a person who has experienced a pain that can not be put into words. Just as helping to raise my nieces will become part of who I am, so will this. I have a feeling many more tears will be shed before then. I am sure the tears will continue, probably forever. Not all the time forever, but during times I feel she should be there. Times I miss her the most. But, I also know that with time, I will smile when I remember her. When I tell her daughters about our childhood.  I look forward to remembering with a smile instead of tears. Grief is a process. A long, hard process, but a necessary one, nonetheless.

Now, onto updates. Just a few more weeks til we get our own place. I cannot wait. I am so thankful for the time my Mom and I have spent together. I love & respect her in a whole new way.
The 6 children in this house thoroughly amaze me. They are so strong. Every one of them have had their life turned upside down.  Cierra is doing school each morning. Not in depth, basically just what is necessary to get by. These moves are getting more and more difficult on her as she is at the age she is developing relationships. She takes it in stride though. I adore her soo much. Blayke is really grasping reading. I finally gave up for a.while, and it seems to be clicking. When they are ready, it requires so much less work!  He is also taking this madness iin stride. He is such a sweet boy. He always tells women how beautiful they are. From me to Aunt Amber to Grandma to waitresses to cashiers. He is so awesome!  Konnor is such a funny kid. He loves superheroes and Power Rangers. He adores his older siblings and dotes on the three younger girls.  Brayly amazes me. 6 weeks ago, she barely ever communicated. Now, she says words, is helping get herself dressed, loves to kiss on the babies and lives to destroy the house! The Babies (Havyn and Adalyn) are growing too darn fast! (3 & 2 months,.respectively.) They both smile and LOVE to babble, especially to Grandma. Havyn is a chunky monkey, and Addy is so petite. Havyn has started to giggle, and Addy just recently discovered her hands and feet.
The kids are all doing so well. I just wish they would stop growing so fast!!

Birthdays.

I have really slacked on blogging. However, with the death of my sister, I recognize the need of keeping a journal. Mostly for my kids. This way, if anything happens, they have a glimpse into my life. 3 birthdays were recently celebrated in my family. Brayly Kay turned 2 just a couple of weeks before her Mommy died. I feel like it is important to journal this birthday because it was the last one that her Mommy got to share. Her Mommy made her a dinosaur cake. (2, actually, the first didn't quite turn out!) I wasn't able to be there, but I will write what I know. Her Mommy and Daddy had a BBQ. Both Grandma Pats were there, Aunt Mandy and here family were there, Great Grandpa Larry was there and Grandpas James and Brent were there. She got a pool from her Mommy. Mommy was so excited about it and couldn't wait to see her play in it. She also got a trike. She had lots of fun. Dear Brayly Kay, Two years old! Wow! I remember when your Mommy told me she was pregnant with you. She was soo excited! You are such a sweet, loving angel, and I am so proud to be your Aunty. You are growing by leaps and bounds. You are already taller than Konnor! You love to give your baby Sister and Baby cousin kisses when they cry. You are suddenly talking up a storm!! It is so neat to be able to watch you grow and take such an active role in your life. I love you baby girl! Love, Aunty Nan Cierra also had a Birthday recently. The weekend before, we blessed Addy and a lot of her cousins came to help celebrate. We had cake and ice cream. We were going to have a friend party, but life happened, and we had to cancel. She got a karaoke machine, some CDs and money! My sweet Cierra, You are growing into such a beautiful young lady! You are so smart and full of life!! You help Mom out so much! There are days I don't know what I would do without you! You have an awesome sense of humor, and always make me laugh. I am so very proud of you. I am so blessed to be your Mom! You are such a special girl... There has never been a better daughter! I love you forever, Love, Mommy In the midst of the madness, Konnor turned 3!!! We had a party with the Merrell side of the family. He got lots of toys including a Nerf SpiderMan crossbow, a large Wreck-It-Ralph and a pair of light sabers. It was a lot of fun, even though we missed Daddy. K-Ray, My sweet little Boy, You are growing up too fast! You are so smart and funny and have an awesome imagination. You tell me about your dreams every morning. They usually consist if superheroes and bad guys. You laugh at words boys typically find funny, including 'poop'. You are still Daddy's boy, and prefer him to Mom. You love playing outside and follow your brother and sister all over the place! You love your baby sister, and are constantly hugging and kissing on her. You also love Brayly and Havyn and are loving on them! You are a very sweet boy! I love you to the sky, Love, Mommy!